George Carlin Quotes About Life & Success To Make You Motivated

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” — George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes, find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” — George Carlin

“Just ’cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” — George Carlin

“I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.” — George Carlin

“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well, what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?” — George Carlin

“I will tell you one thing – the future, ain’t what it used to be.” — George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” — George Carlin

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.” — George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” — George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” — George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” — George Carlin

“But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!” — George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” — George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody drive slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” — George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” — George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ” — George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”— George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” — George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?” — George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?” — George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” — George Carlin

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” — George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.” — George Carlin

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front-row seat.” — George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty, I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” — George Carlin

“It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.” — George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool.” — George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.” — George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.” — George Carlin

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.” — George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole aeroplane made out of that stuff.” — George Carlin

“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well, what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day.” — George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, but I also wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.” — George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes….. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” — George Carlin

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” — George Carlin

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.” — George Carlin

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” — George Carlin

“I went to a bookshop and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” — George Carlin

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” — George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” — George Carlin